How losing your mind really feels.

I’m not sure if I can explain this to anyone, since I really don’t understand it myself.  But here I go…. I’ll do my best.

Losing your mind is essentially losing control of your mind.  Of course you didn’t lose your mind by dropping it the last time you took a stroll on the beach.

You ultimately fell down the wormhole.  You think you’ll hit bottom at some point but you don’t.  You never will.  Because you were never falling in the first place.

You are no longer the master of your thoughts.  You are at the mercy of the universe.  The elements around you and what they choose to inflict upon you at any given moment.

What you thought you knew becomes a question of, “was this real?”  You have to discern every thought, every sensation from fact or fiction.

But…since you no longer control your thoughts…..

 

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Step One.

I haven’t been productive in nearly a year.  I spend each day lost in my own mind, and angry at myself because of it, driving myself into a deeper depression, thus making myself even less productive. I’ve become a burden to myself.  I want to fix it but I can’t.  I don’t know how, or where to start.  I don’t feel useful, yet at the same time I feel so completely overwhelmed.  Kind of like a truck stuck in the mud.  The faster the tires spin, the deeper they sink.

I can’t stop hating myself until I fix myself.

I can’t fix myself if I can’t find myself.

I can’t find myself when I don’t know who I am.

But how can I hate someone that I don’t even know?